As part of Writing 101, I had the choice to post something by choosing one of these 6 words, and just letting myself loose with this blog post. What are the words? They are HOPE, REGRET, HOME, CHOICE, ABUNDANCE, and SECRET. Each word is pretty powerful and I want to write about each one, but the assignment is about one word alone. The title already broke the suspense of which one it is, so here I go, writing a post about REGRET. So why regret? Do I want to depress people? No. It’s the word that is the most that calls to me and it the one, that I feel I can relate to the most.
I can start by explaining why regret is the strongest word, the word that calls out to me the most to speak, in the medium, to a bunch of strangers are doing the same thing right now. I can start with the biggest regrets I have had and work my way down. I set myself a timer so, hopefully I will have run out of these before time is up. If not….we’re doomed to read a bit much more. Regret is the thing that has lead me to where I am today, and sadly, there are a bunch of things I could have done differently in the past, and not be in the situation I am today. And no, I am not saying that my entire life up to now, has been a shitty shit fest of shit. No, I think the most I can say about my regrets is that, I still feel like I haven’t accomplished much.
What is regret? According to the dictionary, regret is to feel sorrow or remorse for either an act, fault, disappointment, etc. But that isn’t the one I am writing about. Although I do feel regret for things I’ve said to people that didn’t deserve it, or didn’t say things to people that needed to hear them. My regret is the next definition; to think of with a sense of loss. Disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc. Regret in my case is that I didn’t do enough, or feel that way, and I now am suffering the consequences for it.
Before moving to the USA, I lived in Puerto Rico, and for many years that I lived there, I didn’t feel like I was a part of the native land. I didn’t feel as patriotic as many of my home land Puertoricans did when they saw, for example, a baseball player from Puerto Rico do go in a game, or an Olympian from PR going strong in an event, or the politics from my homeland. None of that seem to matter to me, since personally, my life during my growing up was not easy. I was picked on for the entire time I was in elementary school, three horrible years in middle school and then, high school. I vanished. Without a trace. Unless someone needed something from me and then, I suddenly appeared. Life in a private Catholic school should have been a little more…bearable. I could have ended in one of those poorly ran public schools back home, but instead, I ended there, felt like a prisoner and the teachers didn’t feel much for me. Like I was a lost cause. So regret here, is that I didn’t rebel against them, or I didn’t stand up for myself. I let all of them make me feel like I was a loser, a nobody, and sadly, I feel with all the shit they did to me; it affects me to even today. I don’t feel like I am confident to do anything except go with the flow and not stand out. I regret not telling them to fuck off. Or at least, show that I meant business. But I was weak. I was a hyperactive kid, and I wanted friends. I wanted to enjoy my time there, but instead, no one there liked me. Some did, but I think they had it better since they got along with the others. Regret not asking them why they would still hang with people that made me feel, worthless.
In college, I was free from that Hell. Free from those weekly Masses and that torturous group of assholes called my class “mates”. In college things were much better and I could get a fresh start. Interesting enough, I found myself being popular there. Me. They would tell me since I was hanging out with one of my only friends from that Hell school, we both started meeting people really easily. However, regret started rearing it’s ugly head again. The college I went to was, not my first choice, it was practically the only choice. I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left school so, my Mom found that they had this college where, I could learn more about technology, or learn about managing systems and, programming. But the experience was lacking, due to the teachers not being professionals that, actually knew what they were teaching first hand. I regret not looking for other options. I even visited Full Sail University as, perhaps an option to see if, something there would enrich me with what I wanted to do. I thought about game design, but regretfully, I didn’t pursue it. Instead I just, went with what I knew, and just went along. I didn’t want to trouble people with expense of that school, or worse, I didn’t think I could do it. Regret not looking for ways to improve my skills instead of, just not doing anything. I regret not participating in extra curricular activities at the college since, they could have been fun.
My love life is not good. As now, it is non existent. I regret lying that one time, where I didn’t really do anything wrong, and it turned me into a villain instantly. And trust was broken, and from that point, the relationship was just gone. I did hook up with someone I had known for many years and, on Valentine’s Day, we kissed, and things got a bit weird, but then things felt right. Regretfully, again, I didn’t stand up to people that were mean to her. People like her mom, that is a psycho whore of a woman that, wanted everything revolving around her. A woman that, kicked her out, because I wouldn’t marry her on the spot. And I just, let her run her out. I regret not saying anything. I regret letting a marriage take place months only after we started dating, instead of just being together and seeing if things would work out. And then again, things were fine for some time, after moving to the US. Regret not going farther to try to make her happier, or communicate with her more. In the end, things felt apart.
Timer just went off. 30 minutes. I feel like I have more to say but I think this has already gotten too depressing. I never suffered from depression, and most of this could have made the average depressed person end their life. My emotions are usually in check, almost, like I can’t feel sadness like a normal person. I feel like I deserve it, and life will always do this to me, and then I will just, take it.
If there is anything I can say to anyone that reads this is the following…do not let things just happen and be the way they are, if you don’t want them too. If you want to be an artist, be an artist. If you want to be good at bowling, go be good and do your best to make it to as far as you can. I have failed in so many ways, that, I don’t know if I can fit them all here. Regret is what I feel most of the time. And regret is what I feel now, for not sharing this with anyone, except you guys. I hope someday I will find my purpose in life. My happy ever after. My dream job or at least, a good career or something I enjoy. Until then, life goes on.
Share with me any thoughts you might have or, if you just want to tell me what you think of this post. I didn’t major in writing, or, have much good sentence structure. So I apologize if this is poorly written.