I have to admit something up front, right now. The truth is that, I am not writing this based on the assignment. I didn’t spend 20 minutes in this location looking at people, because it’s pretty much the same thing I experience. But I’m going to be as descriptive as I can, because what I felt there, is the same thing I feel, whenever I would find a place I would THINK, I belong in.
It happened in the Boy Scouts, it happened in bowling league, it happened in my time in youth group, and school, and conventions or con-type events that I’ve attended during the time I have lived here. It is this, feeling, of loneliness that I have, when I am in these places, when I see people, and when people see me, and don’t say anything. Or simply, the feeling is, pretty much the same. A location, busting with people that all share one same passion! When you go to a place like CEO, or Community Effort Orlando, it is a place where gamers go to feel connected, via their love for fighting games. A wrestling ring is in the main convention room, filled with chairs, booths where you can buy shirts and figurines and controllers. Also there are things to play, such as an early build for Street Fighter 5. And there is also a gaming room where, is either old fighting games, or just older games too. Many people, were feeling this connection, these moments where, they thought they found somewhere, where they belonged. Except me. I felt I couldn’t relate to anyone, and I’ve been playing these games all my life! Renting them, and playing…well, alone more of the time. The occasional arcade visit growing up, and then I would play with a few friends too. But this connection, this link, this emotion of belonging, I just couldn’t find it. I couldn’t feel like they did. I just felt alone, recording the entire event. I met Maximilian, a favorite YouTuber of mine and got a picture with him; dude was down to earth and cool as shit. But that was near the end…of a whole weekend. I was alone, but I wanted to see if I could find my crew, or at least, find a place where I felt included.
This also happened in AFO, or Anime Festival Orlando. There at least I could related to the artists in Artist Alley. For some reason, I felt happier being around people that are so creative, that I would visit them all the time. I didn’t stalk them, because that is bad, children. But the rest of the time, I would be walking around, going to a panel, and just being there. No interaction, no exchanges, and I love anime. So much that I wanted to see if these were a group of people I could relate with. But I didn’t.
Going to game shops, like Tampa’s Armada Games, is a place where I feel like an outsider from the moment, I step in there, and then I just walk out. That is the place I wanted to talk about the most, but I feel like the same thing can be said about that place. And that is my biggest issue? What is wrong with me? How can I, not feel at home, with geeks? People that spend their days in that store, playing Magic The Gathering, or WarMachine, or board games and talk with each other and share things, when I just look around, and no one even notices I’m there. Or talk to me. Or even ask me if I need anything.
Every scene is the same outcome. In Puerto Rico, I don’t feel like a real Puertorican. In bowling league, I feel like a loser that is making a fool of himself. In these places I mentioned, I feel like I am wasting my time. Because I know I won’t find anyone that, actually cares what I say. Because from the start, it seems like something is wrong with me, gives off some, clue or signal to the rest of the world, and they walk away.
Seems like as my life is changing, I am hopeful that this part of my life does to. Moving here to the US wasn’t a mistake, and it’s made me change myself in many ways. But it feels like more of the same. And I hear of people living amazing lives. Amazing lives where they spend time making costumes with friends, or playing together and going to a convention to play with others. I don’t have that. And I know I have failed SPECTACULARLY on this assignment, but if I wanted to paint the picture of where I am in 20 minutes; this is what normally happens.
I am sorry this is not a positive post. And I’m sorry this is not a typical post where, I am trying my best to find the goodness in all, where there are things that come from bad situations. But the truth seems more genuine to me. I don’t want people to be like me. I would hate that very much. But just because I have this issue, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. This is not for pity, it is simply the way things are. I am just, not a person that people WANT to have around. And that is fine. I’ve learned to deal with it, and I’m doing the best that is for me, to find something out there that I’ve been looking for. And I hope that all of you are either close to finding it, found it, or know what it is, and are trying your absolute best, to get it.
If any of this rings a bell of familiarity, let me know. How do you deal with this? And tell me, if you want, what places, people or groups make you feel belonged? Leave me a message on my Contact Me page for topic suggestions and have an awesome day, guys. Stay awesome. Please. 😉
PS: Sorry Cheri. I know this is not what you asked for. I will find a place tomorrow and do this again. Ok?